North Oaks

[Tom H.]

North Oaks cites septic failure threat in push to bend sewer rules

Fully privatized suburb demands socialism to solve its problems.

[daveybabymsp]

North Oaks cites septic failure threat in push to bend sewer rules

Fully privatized suburb demands socialism to solve its problems.

Hilarious. Someone call Chuck Marohn for an interview.

In all seriousness, I will be pissed if my tax dollars go to subsidizing North Oaks of all places

[Korh]

That reminds me of a video that showed up in my feed awhile ago
https://youtu.be/gtiiHXsnsrY?si=GP3x20L7DQfJpF6Z
Maybe being viewable on street view should be a condition.

[quagga]

A fable:

The conference room was too cold. Not aggressively cold; institutionally cold. The sort of cold produced by decades of thermostats nobody could locate and nobody could change.
A long laminate table occupied most of the room. At the far end sat BUREAUCRAT, Metropolitan Council wastewater planning analyst, fifty-eight, pale beneath fluorescent lighting, with the posture of a man who had spent thirty years apologizing for rules he did not write. His tie was loosened but not enough to suggest comfort. Before him sat a beige folder labeled NORTH OAKS.
Outside the broad windows, downtown St. Paul sagged under February clouds.
The door opened.
In swept OFFICIAL, realtor, early fifties, immaculate camel-colored coat over an aggressively tailored emerald dress, jewelry that caught the light every time she moved. She carried no folder. Only a leather portfolio and certainty.
BUREAUCRAT rose halfway.
BUREAUCRAT: OFFICIAL.
OFFICIAL: Thank you for making time.
They shook hands. BUREAUCRAT’s hand was dry and bureaucratic. OFFICIAL’s was warm and theatrical.
BUREAUCRAT: Coffee?
OFFICIAL: If it’s terrible, absolutely.
He gestured toward a silver urn in the corner.
BUREAUCRAT: Then yes.
She laughed politely. He did not.
OFFICIAL poured herself coffee, inspected it with restrained horror, then sat opposite him.
A beat.
BUREAUCRAT opened the folder.
BUREAUCRAT: All right. North Oaks.
OFFICIAL: North Oaks is facing a crisis.
BUREAUCRAT: Everybody says that before asking for sewer infrastructure.
OFFICIAL: I’m serious. The septic systems are aging out. A substantial number are nearing failure simultaneously, and the only viable long-term solution is access to the regional wastewater system.
BUREAUCRAT nodded once, as though confirming the arrival of a weather system he had predicted years earlier.
BUREAUCRAT: The City of North Oaks is significantly below minimum density thresholds established for regional connection.
OFFICIAL: Thresholds written for normal suburbs.
BUREAUCRAT: Thresholds written for economic reality.
OFFICIAL: Families live there.
BUREAUCRAT: Wealthy families live there on two-and-a-half-acre wooded lots behind private gates.
OFFICIAL: You say that like it’s a moral offense.
BUREAUCRAT: I say it because pipes cost money.
He slid a map across the table. Green lots floated amid lakes and curving roads.
BUREAUCRAT: Sewer service is efficient when development is compact. Your city is the opposite of compact. Miles of pipe for relatively few users. Under our rules, regional connection is unjustifiable.
OFFICIAL leaned back.
OFFICIAL: We didn’t create the density pattern.
BUREAUCRAT: Your residents purchased homes there voluntarily.
OFFICIAL: The North Oaks Company established the lot sizes a century ago. It’s embedded in covenants, platting, everything. The community literally cannot densify without dismantling its legal structure.
BUREAUCRAT: That legal structure is also what made the properties desirable.
OFFICIAL: It made them beautiful.
BUREAUCRAT: It made them exclusive.
Silence.
OFFICIAL crossed one leg over the other.
OFFICIAL: These systems are failing. When enough of them fail, contamination reaches the aquifer. Eventually it reaches municipal drinking water. Then this becomes everyone’s problem.
BUREAUCRAT: Then homeowners will be required to repair or replace their systems.
OFFICIAL: At extraordinary cost.
BUREAUCRAT: Yes.
OFFICIAL: Some of these replacements are approaching six figures.
BUREAUCRAT: I’m aware.
OFFICIAL: People will refuse.
BUREAUCRAT: Then counties enforce compliance.
OFFICIAL: You think retired people are going to spend a hundred thousand dollars digging up wooded lots because an engineer hands them a report?
BUREAUCRAT: I think if sewage backs into their basements, they’ll become highly persuadable.
OFFICIAL stared at him.
OFFICIAL: You’re being glib.
BUREAUCRAT: No. I’m being accurate.
He removed his glasses, rubbed the bridge of his nose.
BUREAUCRAT: OFFICIAL, these policies are not surprises. The Metropolitan Council has warned low-density exurban communities for decades that decentralized wastewater systems carry long-term maintenance burdens.
OFFICIAL: Nobody imagined costs like these.
BUREAUCRAT: Some people did. They wrote reports. Your city ignored them because septic systems allowed everyone to preserve the illusion of rural living fifteen minutes from downtown St. Paul.
OFFICIAL: Illusion?
BUREAUCRAT: Heavily engineered illusion. Private roads. Artificial lakes. Restrictive covenants. Large-lot zoning enforced with religious intensity. North Oaks spent generations ensuring nobody could accidentally build a duplex.
OFFICIAL’s smile tightened.
OFFICIAL: So this is punishment.
BUREAUCRAT: No. Punishment would be forcing Minneapolis taxpayers to subsidize sewer mains to estate properties hidden behind security gates.
A long pause.
The fluorescent lights hummed.
OFFICIAL: That’s unfair.
BUREAUCRAT: Is it?
OFFICIAL: These are taxpayers too.
BUREAUCRAT: Taxpayers who intentionally opted out of ordinary municipal form while expecting metropolitan infrastructure the moment private systems became inconvenient.
OFFICIAL leaned forward now, dropping some of the polished realtor charm.
OFFICIAL: You understand what happens to property values if this spirals publicly.
BUREAUCRAT: I am not employed to stabilize luxury home values.
OFFICIAL: You could trigger panic.
BUREAUCRAT: Septic systems trigger panic. I write memoranda.
She studied him carefully, recalibrating.
OFFICIAL: What if the city agreed to partial upzoning near the commercial node?
BUREAUCRAT actually laughed. Quietly, once.
BUREAUCRAT: Your residents would rather drink nitrates.
OFFICIAL said nothing.
BUREAUCRAT: And frankly, they may have to choose between those priorities eventually.
Another silence. Longer this time.
Outside, snow drifted against the windows in soft gray sheets.
Finally OFFICIAL spoke, more quietly.
OFFICIAL: They really thought someone would save them when the time came.
BUREAUCRAT closed the folder.
BUREAUCRAT: Everybody does.